So I had been doing well with the running and eating. Then I fell off the wagon. I laid in the road for a bit, stood up, and brushed myself off and noticed I had been off the wagon for a while. So long, in fact, that there was no wagon around.
It had left me.
The problem is, I have no real interest in finding the stupid wagon.
First, I could avoid it because I was on vacation. I ate what I wanted. It was fabulous. I did keep running, though.
Then, it was the week after my two week vacation. Well, I wasn’t interested in doing anything then, I had stuff to do!
The following week, I had a super severe bout of insomnia. I couldn’t concentrate. I was tired, so I ate. I was tired, so I had no interest in moving.
Finally, I got moved to a different office to help out with a project. I decided to do something then. I had a good week. I went to the gym, ate well… all was good. Mostly, I had to do something because my clothes were feeling a bit snugger.
Then I stepped on the scale. Crap.
The biggest problem with all of this, bigger than the snug clothes and Scale Number, is that while I know I should care and that I am disappointed in myself, I just have no interest in rectifying this.
I don’t want to run. I don’t want to eat right.
I think some of it is the problem with the lack of wanting to eat right is that I was trying to stick to being vegan, or at least mostly so. Apparently, the whole denying oneself something can lead to binging is, well, not an old wive’s tale. I opened the door when I went to visit and I had cheese, icecream, pork, chicken, beef… all the things I shouldn’t have. Now at home, I don’t have any of these things… so I acquire them at fast food joints here and there or I order out. I won’t buy the healthier versions because “I don’t do that! Not in my house!”, but I have no issue getting it all greased up from somewhere else. I think they call people like me a hypocrite. Judgey, judgey of people buying their Tysons and Edy’s, then ordering Chick Fil A or cheesey pizza.
I’m not really sure what the deal is with the exercise. I’ve reverted back to the whole ‘ACK! I can’t run outside, people will see me!” Not sure where that came from again. I thought I was over that. I also am not sure why I haven’t been going to the gym. I mean, the insomnia was part of it, but I really have no excuse now.
So the wagon has departed and I have to decide what to do about it. I know what to do to get back to where I was and I know some of the issues I need to address. The question is how or if I am going to address this.