What Wagon?

So I had been doing well with the running and eating. Then I fell off the wagon. I laid in the road for a bit, stood up, and brushed myself off and noticed I had been off the wagon for a while. So long, in fact, that there was no wagon around.

It had left me.

The problem is, I have no real interest in finding the stupid wagon.

First, I could avoid it because I was on vacation. I ate what I wanted. It was fabulous. I did keep running, though.

Then, it was the week after my two week vacation. Well, I wasn’t interested in doing anything then, I had stuff to do!

The following week, I had a super severe bout of insomnia. I couldn’t concentrate. I was tired, so I ate. I was tired, so I had no interest in moving.

Finally, I got moved to a different office to help out with a project. I decided to do something then. I had a good week. I went to the gym, ate well… all was good. Mostly, I had to do something because my clothes were feeling a bit snugger.

Then I stepped on the scale. Crap.

The biggest problem with all of this, bigger than the snug clothes and Scale Number, is that while I know I should care and that I am disappointed in myself, I just have no interest in rectifying this.

I don’t want to run. I don’t want to eat right.

I think some of it is the problem with the lack of wanting to eat right is that I was trying to stick to being vegan, or at least mostly so. Apparently, the whole denying oneself something can lead to binging is, well, not an old wive’s tale. I opened the door when I went to visit and I had cheese, icecream, pork, chicken, beef… all the things I shouldn’t have. Now at home, I don’t have any of these things… so I acquire them at fast food joints here and there or I order out. I won’t buy the healthier versions because “I don’t do that! Not in my house!”, but I have no issue getting it all greased up from somewhere else. I think they call people like me a hypocrite. Judgey, judgey of people buying their Tysons and Edy’s, then ordering Chick Fil A or  cheesey pizza.

I’m not really sure what the deal is with the exercise. I’ve reverted back to the whole ‘ACK! I can’t run outside, people will see me!” Not sure where that came from again. I thought I was over that. I also am not sure why I haven’t been going to the gym. I mean, the insomnia was part of it, but I really have no excuse now.

So the wagon has departed and I have to decide what to do about it. I know what to do to get back to where I was and I know some of the issues I need to address. The question is how or if I am going to address this.

This entry was posted in Diet, Fear, Random, Vegan. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to What Wagon?

  1. Susan says:

    Holy crap, I’m here now. It’s almost impossible to get back into it when you have no desire to do it. So obviously something as restrictive as vegan isn’t for you right now, if you want to be no meat, maybe give vegetarian a try? Or maybe go a whole other route and see if you like the paleo diet, or don’t be restrictive at all and see if weight watchers is more your speed. Like you said. you have to first find out what is holding you back because something is bugging you enough to distract you from fitness/health goals. Then everything will start to fall into place again.

    I mentally wanted to get back into the swing of things since spring but it took until recently to actually muster up enough energy to care about working out more or eating better. Still a constant and daily struggle. That’s the thing so many don’t understand, it’s exhausting to check and be aware of every calorie you eat or burn. But I’m here with ya if you need someone to vent to or about about all this. Don’t forget that you’ve come a long way and you’re doing great. You’ve achieved some amazing fitness milestones with your running (hell, you ran on vacation!) plus you’ve lost weight! Being aware of your lack of concern is the first step.

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