I have been thinking. A lot. About many a thing. I don’t think it has been deep enough for me to consider it ‘self reflection.’ To me that is way life changing about how you feel about life and yourself and I don’t think I went that deep. I have, however, come up with several different changes for me and how I am going to be doing different things. The next couple entries will go over some of this. You can let me know if you think I have done actual self-reflection or if I have just re-vamped a few key areas in my life.
One thing I have spent some time thinking on has been the whole running thing. I started running about two years ago and have come quite a ways. I have gone from not being able to run more than a few minutes to being able to run the majority of a 5k. I never thought I would have been able to do that, but I did and am damn proud of that. I have also had a lot of fluctuation with my ability. During this time, I have gone from where two miles was something I could do on a regular basis to where a mile was a struggle, as well as all sorts of different things in between. I have also gone back up to two miles and then back down and then back up.
The constant ups and downs have been due to my inconsistency when it comes to training. When I fall off, I tend to stay off. When I was injured or sick or whatever, and it took about a week to get back to where I could get back to running, I usually festered for two or more weeks. Did I have a good reason? Nope, and half the time, I didn’t have any reason other than I didn’t want to… which eventually went to the I’ll have to start over because I have lost so much.
Do I like running? Not really. I do not enjoy the effort. I like being done with it. I like being able to finish a certain distance, but I don’t like the actual running part. I have not, as others have, fallen in love with it. I don’t feel sad when I don’t get to a scheduled run. Not really. I mean, I feel like I should have done it and I will berate myself for being lazy, but I don’t miss the activity. I do notice that my mood tends to take a hit when I don’t exercise, but not because I didn’t run. I could just as easily buffer my mood with a walk, bike ride, elliptical session, or Zumba class.
Another part of this is that I do not enjoy pushing myself. I never have. When I have something that I don’t want to do, I try very hard not to do it or at least I do not try really hard to do it. I am not sure if this is just who I am or a learned behavior. I also don’t know if I could change this with some sort of mental exercises or not.
Do I have goals? In a sense. I usually have some sort of goal that I am trying to reach at the beginning of each new training cycle, but apparently they either don’t mean that much to me or are not that inspiring. The thought of not making them makes me sad and disappointed, but not enough to actually get my butt out the door on a regular basis. I think that realizing that most 5k races can be easily run and walked without being embarrassed and the fact that even without training I can still finish them hasn’t helped me much, either.
Do I need some sort of cardio in my life? Yes, I need it for health, weight loss, and for my mood. Does it have to be running? No, it does not. With this, I have decided that at least for a while, I am not going to push the running or feel bad about not getting it in. I will include it periodically because I know it is good for me, but I am not going to aim for X miles a week or Y distance goal.
Right now, I am going to focus on getting in my movement however it strikes me because, at least for the time being, I am not a runner… and I am ok with that.